Getting into the swing of it...

Right...
I am finally getting into this whole blogging thing. I have checked out a few others and it seems people just talk about themselves and the experiences they go through etc...and there have been some killer photo's too, I already have some favourites.

It does feel bit weird though to tell a bunch of strangers about your life. I mean what makes my life THAT interesting to others...certainly not this rambling tip I'm on right now..hahahaha

um...So I read today about these four African elephants(I miss home...) who love metal music..apparently they get grumpy and throw temper tantrums the minute the music stops. Def leopard, Metallica and few others. You'd think that nature would want to hear something peaceful like Enya...maybe they are reincarnations of dead artists from that era..who maybe died of drug overdoses..

Anyway...let's delve into my senses right now:
*I smell nail polish(my nails are scarlett now)
*I taste green beans(from Kenya..way hey!)
*I am looking at my black key board..actually that's quite hard 'cos my eyes can see so many other things too..sometimes even things that are not really t here..but that's another story morning glory..
* I hear the hum of the heating and clicking of mice(for computers not the squeaking kind)
*I feel my cold toes in my green socks.

ok well that's all for now brown cow..

This was a dish I did once upon a time when I was a chef...CANDYBOX: Smoked Salmon lollipop, prawn popcorn with chilli and coriander syrup and date and almond bon bons with 5 spice ice cream..unfortunately I do not have a better photograph of the whole dish. This photo was taken by my head chef

I wish I was in Jamaica too..sigh

How I feel today:anticipation...

Find The Balance

It is a horrific feeling to know that you are not appreciated and treated with the love and understanding that you deserve.To be thrown aside with no useful explanation.To realise you are not part of something special anymore and you have to find the energy, again, to cope with this new life revelation.
It takes far longer to mend yourself and forget the hurt that the other person has caused. My heart has a few scars slashed over it from neglect and outright lack of respect. To this day I dip into that poisonous pool of despair and try to find the love behind the hurt.
I want them to hurt like I did, I want them to remember...I talk myself into believing that they still reflect and feel guilty about the way they treated me and, if ever, given the opportunity they would shock me with a genuine heart felt apology and few tears to show their remorse...But that's NOT the way life works..I have had to learn to let go and move on..no one is that big a person to put someone elses needs ahead of their own after a break up, of any kind.

I have sat there hearing the worst things I think about myself coming straight out of someone else's mouth. My own words cutting their way into my soul. I know I have been cruel. I know I have been cold. I know I am a scary human being. I know my words can be more than any human being could ever want to hear and could mean more to someone than life itself BUT I can take it all away with one flicker of my forked tongue.
I know you don't understand me. I know I make you feel worthless but,even I, am not sure how I do that.
I have sat there with hard eyes, hiding more compassion than you may ever know, BUT no strength to show you any of it.I feel the guilt far more than any one else could muster. This is far more damaging to me than it will ever be to you. I have very rational reasons for the things I have done but they all go out the window when I see those sorrowful eyes searching for the person they love so much but know they will never find again. BELIEVE me when I say that the disappointment is mutual. Even though I am weary, I am hanging onto every single word, fighting the urge to lash out and hurt you further because of my own ego.I know I have hurt you and I can see the future issues that will burden you, all because of my own selfishness.

They both make sense. They both are justified. They are both connected. The key to contentment is the middle path.Acceptance is the hardest and first step to understanding these emtions. Emotions are our obstacles. We need to learn to control them. We need to change our perception and association with them. This will bring you relief. This will fill the gaps of a broken heart. This will teach you to love unconditionally. This will bring about true happiness. This will help you let go and be free from the burdens you bare. This is finding your balance and inner peace.

NEMESIS

It glares at me through flickering slits. Searching for my weakness.
A sharp pointed nose. Sniffing for a whiff of my bleeding heart.
A juicy smirk. Taking pleasure in my imperfections.
A pricked up ear. Longing for some damning news.
It twists its claws. Anticipation for an attack.

My stinging weary eyes are on the lookout.
I smell the stench of betrayal.
I bite the same-blistered spot on my lip.
My burning red ears, hear only whispers and throbbing.
My shoulders clench from the burden.

It pulls me into its web of charm.
It smiles and compliments my vanity.
It allows me to feel its false security.
I am alone with this beast.
I am easy prey..Oh it is too easy!

To believe and to want, is a dangerous kingdom to be in.
To hold hands with a scar, is a sign.
To be lured and to feel safe, is fatal.
It is your wolf in sheep clothing.
It is your friend from the poison pool.

The similarities feel like daggers to my mind.
I know and understand you.
You are predictable in your scheming.
You hate me and I detest you.
We are in this cycle because we are, each, a half.

I pray for the calm of this black cloud.
Yet, it will only be the eye of the storm.
What karmic debt are we tied to?
I try to shake you but you hack your way back.
My pus-filled wounds have had enough.

You have been abandoned but not by me.
I have to rip you off from my flesh.
Your insecurity and envy, is not my own.
I must banish you from my thoughts.
You ARE my everlasting nemesis.
No longer!

By Samantha Webster

My Thoughts Feed

Blank.
Where has my creativity gone?
Distracted again… by a bite into a peach.
I have one rotting at home.
Waste not, want not.
Teachers and their wise and weird ways.
My black nail polish is coming off.
Trashy. Chavs. Innit!
I don’t get the jelly gut and hoopy earrings look.

My leg is going dead.
Pull up and re-adjust the stockings.
So un-lady like.
Jeez, I could nail a stick of celery and some hoummus.
Is that vulgar?
Beluga…delicious caviar.
Champagne and Russia.
Or is it Vodka and Russia?
Nah, champagne…vodka is my alter ego maker.
Maybe its depends on the company.

I could do with some great company now.
Maybe even a little harmless flirting.
Oh, to be single…the simple joys.
I have many joys…toys and boys.
My rhyming is very suggestive.
It is the common subject that always surfaces.
Sex. Naughty but nice.
With sugar and spice.
Ah man! Carrot cake.

Actually I am more of a savoury kinda gal.
I wonder why cheese tastes so damn good.
Fermented bugs and dairy.
Goes great with sweetness.
Hmmm…interesting.
Or great with pickles.
Yum. Hook me up son.
I wonder if a cannibal said that.
Flesh. Human’s fragile casing.
Skin. The largest organ of the body.
The tongue is the strongest muscle.
The elbow is the strongest bone.

I am a walking chappie paper.
Paper. Electronic paper. The next page is blank.
A start and a finish. I am complete.